A pack of smokes and a grande coffee

An ex-boyfriend once told me: "It would be nice if you knew how to cook."

I had to share the wonderful little grocery shopping experience I had this evening. First off, I absolutely hate grocery stores. The aisles are big and scary, and the organization of those evil little places really pisses me off. Oh, sure, put the milk all the way in the back corner so I'm forced to walk down the candy aisle to get there. Great, you win; I now have a bag of Twizzlers in my cart. Oh, look, magazines and chewing gum conveniently located right at the checkout aisle! I was kinda wondering how Nicole Richie's newborn was doing. Ok, I'll buy it....and come to think of it, I do believe I chewed my last piece of Winterfresh yesterday. Anyway....to avoid said situations, I will put off grocery shopping until I'm so hungry that I contemplate nibbling on one of my dog's chicken jerky treats. I've never actually done it, but the thought has crossed my mind many, many times.

Preparation: I sat down with my thick, coupon-stuffed Sunday paper, wide-eyed, licking my lips, scissors ready. By the time I got through the whole thing, I only cut out about four coupons, three of them being discounts on dog-related items. But I did snatch a $0.40-off coupon for pizza rolls. Damn those greasy, pepporoni-filled monsters. They are contributing to the heart attack I so seem to want to experience in the future (side note: yes, I hate cheese, but Totinos knows that cheese is expensive, so the rolls are stuffed pretty much just with sauce). With the coupons clipped and ready to go, I headed off to that demonic, brightly-lit, food-filled hell.

I am SO PROUD of how frugal I was (mind you, I was starving, so EVERYTHING looked good).
I bought some Beefaroni (mmm, beefy noodles in a can), pasta sides, apples, two bags of pretzels, a couple cans of soup, more pizza rolls, four cinnamon rolls (for $1! They expire tomorrow, but I'm sure I can make them disappear by then), bottled water, and chicken-stuffed egg rolls. Then, at the checkout aisle, I picked up a much-needed bag of Sprees, the newest edition of People magazine (RIP Heath), and a pack of smokes. Ready for the total?

$31.08.

AMAZING! Think of how cheap it would have been had I not fallen for that evil place's marketing schemes. Then, when I looked at my receipt, I read that I had saved $5.46. How freaking awesome is that? That's like....two skeins of yarn, or a pack of smokes and a grande coffee, or 1.6 gallons of gas, or a squeaky toy for my dog. Maybe grocery shopping isn't that bad after all.

If you have not noticed, none of the above purchased items requires any cooking. I firmly believe in not cooking. Microwaves are a beautiful invention (although I have caused a few microwaving accidents in my day). So, gentlemen, if you're looking for a home-cooked meal, it sure isn't coming from me. I'll throw a salisbury steak TV dinner in the microwave for you, but if you want the real deal you can make it yourself. Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? Don't answer that. Now where on earth did I put those Sprees?